On a day like this one

On a day like this one, what should a mother do? On a day like today what would I want my mother to do? Sometimes I feel that I will never recover from this realization that someone who gave me life does not care about how I feel and what I do. She just doesn't care. There is no connection and after exposing this face to face I had to admit the truth that I am not loved by her. It is difficult not to fall into “eternity” thinking, for example: “I will never feel complete without her love, care and acceptance.”  But then by just trusting the process of CPTSD healing, I acknowledge this negative “eternity” thinking and shift into focusing on what is upsetting me right now. And right now is that there is no communication about how I might feel today. Why today is so important? There was yet another terrorist explosion in Russia today and this time it was in St. Petersburg, the photographs are pretty gruesome. Even though I no longer live in Russia, I feel that I am still affected by its unrest. I witnessed an aftermath of an explosion back in 2000 and might I say I am mentally injured by that. Currently I am trying to put it into a visual sequence for my graphic novel, and my PTSD connected to that is just beginning to heal. The kind of healing where I take two steps forward and one step back. This drawing was the first one I had done and it doesn't contain any harsh gory memories (safe for work). I am still deciding what details to include in my explosion story and how to portray dead bodies and body parts without triggering and re-hurting myself.

So on a day like today, if I had a daughter who suffered PTSD from witnessing a terrible, devastating event, I would write to her and ask her how is she doing. I would reassure her that she is safe and I would give her all my attention. I would let her know that she can heal with my help. So, today is a good self parenting day.... I fell back one step by feeling the devastation and upset and neglect once again, and I am upset that I am related to an uncaring parent. However I am growing to acknowledge my needs and I am taking care. Instead of replaying those scenes from my memory, I will let myself mourn and be sad, but I will also shower, eat and read a science fiction novel. And I will allow myself to draw a happy scene of when I was taking a walk with my dad. That is my favorite memory so far. That story will be about trying to put on paper a feeling of lost dad, who loved me without expecting much and who could make me laugh by tickling my hand.